Ever since I can remember, I have had grand plans. I come from an ambitious family, so rising the ladder is something I have always known. Having been belittled by my peers for years, one would think I’d have cracked. Until a few years ago, I hadn’t.
I’ve always been a big believer in Astrology. I find it so fascinating, and while it is not validated by the scientific community, I have to believe that there is a far more complex explanation for our world. As far as I’m concerned, it has saved me.
Sun Sign: Gemini
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Rising Sign: Cancer
Recently, I have lost all hope in that ambitious career I have been working towards my entire life. I have come to bitterly accept the prospect that I may have an ordinary life. It’s very easy to be told by people more successful than you that you’re full of self-pity (uncalled for), but they are so blinded by their good fortune that they can’t see what it’s like for everyone else.
I don’t think writers talk about the negatives of this job. Unfortunately, a lot have embraced this suck it up attitude. There is very little empathy for people who are struggling. The only response you get is, “Well, maybe you should find another career.” It is exceedingly frowned upon to ‘complain’ in this business. For some bizarre reason, we are propelling this sad precedent that you should expect to be kicked to the curb on a consistent basis.
Wherever I look, I see people having the success that I deserve (again, the notion of feeling you deserve something is looked down on). The flaw with these people is that they have never been ignored. Their work has always been praised—the people always rewarded. I have only been rewarded with silence. Tell me you also wouldn’t lose hope when nothing you’ve done has been good enough.
This lack of empathy is something that turns me off the business in general. If you can’t rely on people for adequate comfort, then where do you go? If your peers can’t understand, nobody can. It is painful to have my struggles be perceived as an unwarranted grievance. Another prevalent attitude is this positive behaviour towards being cruel. Somehow, these people believe they are doing you a favour by breaking you down.
“Well, maybe you’re just not as good a writer as you think.”
I don’t know of any other profession where people are so unfeeling and robotic. If having empathy is seen as poisonous, something is very wrong with you. I have always felt as though my mind is light years ahead of my body. Mentally, I feel sixty-years old, but I am in a twenty-five year old’s body. This explains my desperate need to leave something behind. However, I am being trampled on at every turn.
This sense of loss has gotten so bad that when I go to the bookshop, I feel a sharp pang because I don’t see my name on the shelf. Despite having a unique name, I feel so ordinary. I have always wanted to be this special person that is never forgotten, but I am sinking in a crowd of people who don’t care to understand my plight. You’d think a loss of all hope might be somewhat freeing, but it is all I had left. Without it, everything is dark.